Navigating the Calm
Recognizing the narcissistic cycle
The silence is almost deafening. After months, or even years, of relentless conflict, court dates, and the emotional exhaustion that comes with co-parenting with a high-conflict individual, a sudden shift occurs. My ex, currently under intense scrutiny from both the courts and CPS, is suddenly… polite. Even conciliatory. He’s writing messages with a newfound graciousness, implying that our "high conflict" status is entirely my choice, a narrative that conveniently erases his own disruptive behavior, which, just recently, led to our parent coordinator's resignation.
This sudden calm, this façade of reasonableness, should be a relief. And in some ways, it is. But for those of us who have lived through the destructive patterns of narcissistic abuse, it’s also a familiar and unsettling prelude. It’s the quiet before the next storm, a reminder that we are merely in another phase of a well-worn cycle. The Predictable Dance of Narcissistic Abuse
Understanding the predictable steps of narcissistic abuse has been crucial in grounding myself during these unsettling lulls. While the specifics may vary, the general pattern often includes:
Idealization: This is often where it begins – intense charm, flattery, and a seemingly perfect connection. This phase hooks you in and makes the later devaluation even more jarring.
Devaluation: The mask begins to slip. Criticism, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and a steady chipping away at your self-worth become the norm. This is where the "high conflict" truly begins, often fueled by their need for control and superiority.
Discard: When you’ve served their purpose or threatened their control, they may abruptly abandon or discard you, often in a cruel and disorienting manner. This is often followed by a period of silent treatment or complete detachment.
Hoovering: And here we are. After a period of discard or intense conflict (like legal issues and professional scrutiny), they may attempt to "hoover" you back in. This often involves charm, apologies (often insincere or manipulative), and a feigned desire for peace, all designed to regain control and supply. This is precisely what I'm experiencing now. The pleasantries, the attempts to rewrite history, the subtle blame-shifting – it's all part of the hoover.
We’ve been here before. So many times. The sudden niceties, the almost angelic tone, has always been followed by another escalation, another outburst of rage, or a renewed intensity of conflict that confirms why our previous parent coordinator found her role untenable. Knowing this doesn't make it easy, but it does help in managing expectations and protecting my peace.Grounding Myself in the Eye of the Storm
In these moments of deceptive calm, my primary focus is to ground myself and resist the urge to buy into the illusion. It’s a conscious effort to acknowledge the reality of the past and prepare for the inevitable future, rather than succumbing to false hope. Here are some of the ways I try to cope:
Radical Acceptance: This isn't about condoning their behavior, but accepting the reality of the situation. My ex is who he is, and his patterns are deeply ingrained. Accepting this helps me detach from the emotional rollercoaster.
Focus on My Own Actions and Boundaries, and Embrace Parallel Parenting: I can only control my responses. This means reinforcing boundaries, maintaining clear and concise communication (through written channels), and refusing to engage in unproductive or unnecessary communication. Embracing a parallel parenting approach, which minimizes direct communication and interaction with the abusive co-parent, can also be invaluable in reducing conflict and protecting my own peace.
Trusting My Intuition: My gut tells me this calm is temporary. Learning to listen to that inner knowing, rather than being swayed by external appearances, is paramount.
Seeking Support: Leaning on trusted friends, family, and professionals (like therapists or support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse) is vital. They can offer validation, perspective, and a safe space to process emotions.
Self-Care, Unapologetically: This looks different for everyone, but for me, it’s about prioritizing activities that replenish my energy – long walks, reading, connecting with nature, or simply allowing myself to rest. It’s easy to neglect self-care when you’re constantly reacting to external stressors, but it's crucial for resilience.
Allowing Myself to Not Be Okay: Perhaps the most important coping mechanism is acknowledging that it's perfectly normal to feel a range of emotions – frustration, anger, sadness, fear, and even exhaustion. There's no shame in struggling when navigating such challenging circumstances. It’s okay to not be okay, and it's okay to admit that this cycle is draining.
This current "peace" is a test, a subtle lure designed to disarm and disorient. By recognizing it for what it is, another turn of the narcissistic cycle, I can stand firm in my truth, protect my energy, and prepare for whatever comes next, knowing that even in the storm, I am capable of weathering it.